Anti social

I’ve kinda always been a bit socially awkward, maybe it stems from the impact of having an emotionally disconnected father and mentally ill mother as I was growing up. Maybe it’s the effects of all the psych drugs my mum took while she was pregnant with me. Maybe it’s simply the way I was always bound to be.

I’m not really someone that puts myself out there, I don’t want to stand out, I don’t really want to put a huge effort into being around people. I prefer my socialisation to be effortless- for everyone involved. I don’t want people to make a special effort to be around me, I’d rather people just comfortably existed around me.

But.

I find myself missing human connection (a bit). I’m a little envious of people who have friends and a life outside of their relationships. There’s nothing wrong with my husband- he’s perfectly lovely, but, I don’t want him to be my everything- it feels unhealthy. What if he leaves me, what if he dies.

For a long time I had a dog. Not just any dog. My soul dog.

She had all the health issues and some mental issues (I did say she was my soul dog!). She meant I got out every day, she meant I saw other people, I spoke with people that I didn’t live with, I made connections with people that would otherwise not have any connection with. It was nice. I missed it on days I walked my dog at a different time.

Then she died.

All of that evaporated. I had little reason to go to the park at 7.30am. I didn’t see or speak to any of the people I’d spent a decade or more getting to know. Suddenly it was just me, my husband and all our emotions.

He’s autistic. A high functioning autistic, but autistic nonetheless. He struggled. I’m secretly a deeply emotional person, secretly romantic. But my upbringing and subsequent relationships have taught me to ‘man up’ (or rather ‘woman up’). To not show emotions, so the bullies don’t win. So losing my dog cut deep but I had to carry on as normal. Deal with all the stuff that needed to be dealt with (to lessen the weight on my husband). Probably why I’m crying my heart out writing this, I guess I never dealt with the grief of losing my soul dog.

I digress. As usual!

Suddenly, though, my version of socialising disappeared.

I’ve tried many things to replace it. Swimming, 3 times a week at the same pool for a year. Never made a single friend.

Running club, again, just never managed to make friends, always found I was running alone.

Cycling? Let’s not even go there. Too old for the local club, too slow for the local club, too law abiding for the local club.

I guess, it seems that the problem is me. Perhaps if I really wanted a social life I’d put effort into a social life - instead of trying things and hoping for organic growth.

I really do need an anti social - social club.

As usual, no proof reading or edits went in to the writing of this blog.