Empty my head.

Some times I wonder where I came from. Not in a ‘I never knew my parents’ kinda way (though, honestly that might have offered a better outcome), more in a ‘how the feck did I turn out as a functioning adult’ kinda way.

I won’t sugar coat it. I have very little love for the couple that brought me into the world. My mother, though kinda kind, is a full blown narcissist with significant mental health issues. I’m going to defend my right to call her a narcissist because who else literally attempts suicide when her daughter announces she’s pregnant for the first time. Or again the second time. Or when her second daughter gets married? Yep, it was all about her.

My father, I guess you could say he’s the product of his own dysfunctional up bringing. He had/has a whole lot of love for his dog but none for his oldest daughter. Aggressive, mean, physically and verbally (& mentally) abusive. I thought it was normal to hide from your dad when he got home from work. Seems it’s really not.

It could have been worse. I guess at least I had a roof over my head. Meals a lot of the time (except when the mother was having a breakdown - of which there were many), neither parent was a drug dealer or user - so again, a largely safe up bringing - except for the constant screaming and shouting, being smacked, having things thrown at me and I’ll spare myself the memories of the mental abuse.

But here I am. In my 50’s with a relationship with a man that showed me safety and unconditional love. A relationship that spans almost three decades. A relationship that showed me what a functional relationship should look like. I’ll be forever grateful to him.

How, against the odds, did I manage to hold onto a partner, raise three children to adulthood (all of whom are doing alright) and not rack up thousands in debt from psych meds or therapy.

Where did this version of me come from?